Why People Hate Planet Fitness

Planet Fitness is a budget chain gym that has exploded in popularity due to their clean premises and cheap prices. They are best known for catering to fitness noobs and cardio bunnies.

Planet Fitness officially forbids tank tops and water jugs. They believe that these lead to 'gymtimidation', which is their super creative term for noobs getting scared by the mere sight of people who look like they lift. If you get put off by seeing the results of somebody's hard work, then maybe you're not ready for the gym. Tank tops are by far the most comfortable gym clothes, and if I had to wear a cotton t-shirt during cardio I'd probably resent the gym, too.

Planet Fitness doesn't have barbells. Apparently they used to have barbells, but each franchise eventually abandoned their power racks and benches in exchange for Smith machines. Smith machines are problematic for a number of reasons, primarily because they cause muscle imbalances and make you think you can actually bench 2 plates when the bar only weighs 15ibs. Almost every workout program utilizes barbell exercises, some ONLY contain barbell exercises, which makes Planet Fitness unideal for almost anybody interested in building muscle.

Planet Fitness dumbbells typically only go up to 60ibs. This isn't always true, some have dumbbells higher than that, but it's been the case in my experience. Once you've been lifting for longer than a few months, you should be using much heavier weights for some movements (trap shrugs, stiff-legged deadlifts, bench). You'll get to that point, realize you're stuck in a 12 month contract, hit 5 sets of 30 fucking reps, and then what? You gotta start doing pre-exhausting techniques, but for how long? With these limits, Planet Fitness is never a good long term plan for people who want to lift.

Planet Fitness has a 'Lunk Alarm' that it will ring if somebody drops a weight. Not kidding, they are infamously known for this shit. There is video proof of it being used. I joined a Planet Fitness one summer and was there 6 days a week usually from 5am -7am, and never saw it go off. It was in a poor area of Manhattan, so there were huge gang guys there dropping shit all the time, but it never went off. Still, just the idea of the alarm is enough to piss people off.

Planet Fitness demonizes bodybuilders. All of these rules and regulations lead to one conclusion: they don't want bodybuilders, and they want all their customers to know that they don't want bodybuilders. Why wouldn't they want bodybuilders? Aren't bodybuilders the quintessential gym-goer? NO. Bodybuilders are terrible for gyms, especially cheap ones. They use the equipment everyday and wear that shit out, and the gym will need to replace it all sooner. Planet Fitness, at a paltry $10 a month, needs people who will pay their money and never come and wear out the machines. Who are they? People who are not fit, don't have the dedication to become fit, and get scared by people who are fit. I understand that the gym discriminates against people who work hard to improve their lives for financial reasons, but it's still a dick move.

All that being said, my only experience at Planet Fitness was positive. I was an early morning regular, so I got to know the guys who worked there, and they were all chill. I wore tank tops and never got called out.   I had no trouble canceling over the phone, despite being warned it would be a problem. These gyms probably vary by location, and I just got lucky.

Why People Love Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a 7-time Mr Olympia champion who also happens to be a film icon and a past Governor of California. Starting from literally nothing (immigrant son of Nazi, bro), his life is nothing short of incredible. Every step of the way was totally unnecessary (he was a millionaire before he acted in his first movie) making it all the more enjoyable to watch. There are many reasons to like the guy, which explains his 4 million person Twitter following despite having a boring post history.

Arnold is (well, was) extremely handsome. He is the definition of classic bodybuilding. That chest needs its own bra, double D's, baby please. Big ass arms. Capped delts. But even more important is those face genetics. That cheesy-ass grin. That wavy hair. Guys who are 0/6 on the Kinsey scale would still hu if given the shot.

Arnold is a winner. Bill Burr said it best. The dude has never taken an L (ignoring the whole adultery-bastard child thing). Champion bodybuilder.  Movie superstar. Bagged a Kennedy (even if divorced now, still bagged). Governor of California (best state). He would have run for president if not for that pesky natural-born citizen rule... and he would have won, no doubt about it. People hop on the bandwagon to enjoy the ride and see where it goes. How else does everybody seem to be a Patriots fan when Massachusetts is the nipple on the beautiful body that is America?

Arnold is charismatic. He's motivating and people are suckers for motivation. He's funny and gives great interviews. His confidence is infectious. It makes him a fun person to root for.

Arnold went from rags to riches. From the son of a Nazi to the Governor of California. This is some Horatio Alger type shit. Ignore my point about haters in my Why People Hate Fake Nattys post. Sure, there are haters who hate on success, but there is also an equal number of dick riders who like a every post on a successful person's Instagram just to get a hint of the smell of success and hope it stays on them. And of course there are people who are just genuinely good people and dig other people's success. People like me and you, yeah.

People ignore his obvious faults. It's easy to love someone if you only pay attention to their good aspects. He's taken advantage of his celebrity status to cheat bodybuilding competitions. Yeah, yeah, I get he's competitive, but he didn't deserve to win in 1980 by any standard. He's also known to be manipulative and has talked competitors into fucking up their chances. Not very sportsmanlike. But "EYE'LL BEE BAHCH" overshadows these aspects of his character.

If I live a tenth of the life he has, I'll die a happy man.

Why People Hate Fake Nattys

Fake nattys are people who say they don't take performance enhancing drugs, but really do. While it may be challenging to accurately label someone a fake natty because you don't see what they do all day everyday, some bodies are simply not achievable through just hard work and proper nutrition. A simple FFMI calculation can tell you if someone is juicing, but be aware that many people who do not look remarkable can also be doing steroids - reddit user Dddddjohn calls them, "dbol dads."

People hate liars. This is the most basic of reasons. In a world filled with lies and bullshit, people like to think that there are genuine human beings out there. If you have a physique  that is clearly not natural, but you're claiming it is, many people will recognize this bold face like and resent you.

Fake nattys epitomize all the bullshit in the fitness industry. People love fitness, but the only people that love the fitness industry are those making money from it or those too ignorant to know better. The fitness supplement industry is predicated on the fact that people believe their heroes are not on steroids and just look like super beings from protein powder and hard work. This is not true. Fake nattys are usually ingrained in the industry, and their lies are at the center of the industry's success.

People hate on success and shroud that as hating fake nattys. Let's do a 180 on the fake natty haters. People hate it when other people succeed. Haters gonna hate, or something like that. They will look for any little thing in their life to bring them down a notch and belittle their success and popularity. Because if they succeed, that means you can't, right? There's only so much success in the world to get, right?

It makes people feel better about their own (lack of) progress. Anybody smaller than me is a wimp and anybody bigger than me is on steroids. They HAVE to be on steroids. If they weren't, there's no way they could be be bigger, more defined, AND stronger than me. I mean, I've been in the gym for 6 months, I pretty much know all there is to know. I drink my Cellucor C4™ preworkout 30 minutes before I get to the gym, I drink my MyProtein™ BCAA's between the sets, I never do cardio (RIP gains, am I right?), and I have me Optimum Gold Standard™ whey drink right after I work out. Fuck these fake nattys, bro.

People don't understand the politics of bodybuilding sponsorships. If you want to focus on bodybuilding full time and not do gay4pay, you often depend on sponsorships from supplement companies. They will not pay you if you admit to doing steroids, because then they're followers will know that their results are not because of protein powder and BCAA's. Everyone's gotta eat, so can you really blame them?

I blame them if they shout they are natural from the mountaintops and act like those who point out the obvious are on crazy pills. But if they're just not admitting to steroids, I let it pass. Who wouldn't take a fat check that only stipulated that you couldn't admit to taking PEDs?

Why People Hate the Mr. Olympia Competition

The Mr. Olympia competition is considered the Super Bowl of bodybuilding. The best bodybuilders every year get together to compete and crown one of them the champion. Lee Haney, Ronnie Coleman, and Phil Heath have all won 8 titles, which is the longest streak for any one contestant. While the bodybuilding division is the most popular, there is also the physique, 212, and Ms. Olympia contests during the same weekend. The competition is also known for its corruption. 

It politic, bro. If three contestants are close enough that any of them can with without too much outcry, the one with the cleanest record will win even if he is not the best. That's why Kai has never won, despite many thinking that he bested Phil in the past. Phil didn't fuck a grapefruit, and Kai did. Phil also had his business partner on the judging panel in 2012. And how did Arnie win in 1980 despite CLEARLY not having the best body. He won because his name was worth more than his competitors' names. Arnie was, and still is, the biggest name in the sport. If you want to make it big, the powers-that-be need to have yo back.

The lighting is bad. In a sport that literally depends on lighting, this is just inexcusable.  The one in 2007 was so bad you had to squint your eyes to see all the definition. The one in 2008 was almost worse with the highlights washing out the striations. Come on IFBB. If you want to be taken seriously, don't be lazy on the lights.

The judging system makes no goddamn sense. They have pre-judging the night before, then real judging, then the fake-real judging where competitors dance around and the judges pretend like it counts for anything. Are there 3 Super Bowls? 3 World Cups? 3 Olympics? Anything can change between judging rounds, and while that might add some guesswork and anticipation, it's dumb and not fair to the athletes who need to peak 3 fucking times.

The entire contest is a shill for supplement companies. Sponsors, sponsors everywhere. They make their $$$ from the expo the days before that give fans protein powder samples in plastic bags. Yeah, I get they have to sell out a little bit, but when random-ass Amazon.com is a bodybuilding contest sponsor you know the IFBB just doesn't give a fuck who sponsors them as a long as the dollas are coming in.

The judging standards have gotten out of control. Not to ignite the ol "back in my day bodybuilding looked good!" argument... but the expectations have changed. Arnold killed it back then, but he wouldn't even place top 16 if the 1975 version of himself competed today. And the women's bodybuilding contest has also gotten totally out of hand, with judges basically forcing contestants to take drugs that forever alter their bodies and make them look increasingly masculine. How much bigger will we go?

The IFBB sucks. Replace the judges with previous Mr. Olympia winners.

Why People Hate CrossFit

CrossFit is a branded fitness regimen that is based on daily workouts that followers can access online. It's a bastardized mixture of powerlifting and high-intensity interval training. This subpar 'sport' is sponsored by the subpar clothing brand, Reebok. It's known for its high injury occurrence and the obsessive behavior of its fans. The CrossFit CEO also hates Nick Jonas.

CrossFitters are annoying. How do you know someone does CrossFit? They tell you. Probably long before you ask. Many CrossFitters consider it their label and their primary purpose in life (not CrossFit, but telling people that they do CrossFit). They're almost up there with vegans and mormons. Whether or not you wanted it, CrossFit will be the subject of any conversation you have with them.

CrossFit promotes bad form. Their WODs (that's 'workout of the day' to you non-CrossFit plebs) primarily consist of tons of reps of compound exercises. When you're doing defined sets of X reps, you can mentally prepare yourself to brace your core for each rep. But when you're busting them out like you're trying to rip your tendons apart, cores gets soft, backs curves, all fucks go out the window because you're just trying to survive. CrossFitters don't care about form as long as they achieve a certain number of 'reps' in a certain amount of time. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THEIR PULL-UPS.

CrossFit is hella expensive. Sure, you can look at their workouts online for free, but good luck doing them in your garage or 99% of gyms out there. If you want to do CrossFit, and I'm not sure why you would, you'll need an all-access exclusive pass to their 'boxes'. And their average monthly fee is $125. Planet Fitness, which has its own issues, has WAY more equipment than a box and costs $10 a month. With that extra $115 a month you could buy some actual drugs to get you actual gains.

CrossFit inflates the egos of lifters with bad form. I get why they do it: ya make 'em feel good, they'll come back for more and keep paying their monthly fees. But by not correcting bad form, and instead awarding it with cash and meaningless titles like "The Fittest Man Alive", ya teach the kids that it's ok if their back breaks because at least they'll have a plastic trophy to comfort them. If you can't lift 225 with the right form, you can't lift 225.

The CrossFit Games try to kill their competitors. Their Netflix doc was just plain scary. People looking like they were about to break their backs on deadlifts. Passing out from the heat. Injury disqualifications. I saw it, and remember how the sport even made the athletes remain outside in the blazing heat after they crossed the finish line. They had to find refuge in tiny spots of shade under seats. It was ridiculous, and anyone associated with CrossFit should be embarrassed (well, additionally embarrassed...they already do CrossFit).

CrossFit is a bit like a cult (relentless obsession, high initiation costs, groupthink) and once you join it's hard to leave. 

Stay clean. 

Avoid the box.

Why Ronnie Coleman Has Deteriorated

Ronnie Coleman is an EIGHT-TIME Mr. Olympia champion who has also won an Arnold Classic title and a record 26 IFBB pro contests. He’s deadlifted 800 pounds, squatted 800 pounds, and benched 200lb dumbbells. Ridiculous feats of human strength. In a world where bodybuilders are stereotyped as weak, Ronnie was among the best bodybuilders and powerlifters in the world during his prime.

Since 2007, Ronnie has had at least 6 surgeries on his neck, back, and hips. According to Muscle & Fitness:

•  December 2007 - Laminectomy of L4-L5 discs

•  July 2011 - Disc decompression of L3-L4 discs

•  December 2011 - Fusion of neck C4-C5-C6

•  July 2014 - Left hip replacement requiring 2 screws

•  August 2014 - Right hip replacement requiring 4 screws

•  July 2015 - Fusion of L3-L4 discs

TWO HIP REPLACEMENTS. Those are not simple surgeries. These are serious operations, with serious risks. And they’re the result of having moved far more weight than the human body was ever designed to do. It’s important for people to push themselves out of their comfort zones, but is it necessary to push your spine out of your body?

Ronnie says he doesn’t regret a minute of his body-breaking regimen. The dude’s training literally broke his back, but he says he wouldn't have changed any of it. Well, actually, he’s said that he wished he would have trained harder: “I know for a fact that I could have done four reps on that 800-pound squat instead of two, but I had two set in my mind before I even picked it up, so that’s what I did.” Honestly, it’s hard to believe that he would lie about wishing he had done more damage to his body. Ronnie is loved worldwide for his dedication to the sport and to his fans, and for the majority of his adult life, bodybuilding was his life. He could have gone the way of many of the bodybuilders of his era and rejoined humanity, but he didn’t. He gets props for that, but he clearly took it too far.

Ronnie lifted heavy-ass weights too often and too long. Most people see his 800 pound squats and don’t realize that Ronnie trained that hard everyday. His work ethic was insane (and he was a genetic freak who must have taken copious amounts of cool drugs), and his lift numbers reflected that. But now it's difficult for him to walk.

Now I’m not one to judge, but This is not worth it. Sure, many people have hip replacement surgeries. Many people have neck and back surgeries without having ever touched a barbell, I guess. And it’s fun to lift weights and get big. But if you end of walking around with 0 cartilage left in your hips, and then losing total use of your legs, you’ve done something wrong. If you’re still lifting weights the day before your 6th surgery, it’s no longer cool, it’s fucking sad. Weightliftingn is no longer a hobby or a job, it's an addiction. The scars of extreme bodybuilding can be mental, or in Ronnie’s case, physical. 

Stay healthy, bros. Don’t squat 800 pounds on the regular. 

Why Phil Heath Always Wins

Phil Heath is a 6-time Mr. Olympia winner and the current defending champ. He’s won every Mr. Olympia contest since 2011, and shows no sign of slowing down. His nickname is “The Gift”, a reference to his freak genetics — if you train, eat, and inject the same stuff that he does, you will never look half as good as him because you don’t have those genes. He used to lead the clothing company Gifted Apparel, but has since cut off all ties with its’ owners (how awkward). He trains in Colorado (cue conspiracy theories about the elevation’s effect on his training) and is lovingly known as one of the most boring Mr. Olympia winners in recent memory.  

The IFBB wants Phil to win, even if the fans don’t. Would we want the same NFL team to win the Super Bowl every year? Yeah, it’s great for their fans, but the fans of the other 15/16 teams would get tired of that shit real quick. Phil isn’t a particularly charismatic fella. He’s arrogant and cocky, as is probably any repeat Mr. Olympia, but it goes from cute to annoying-as-hell rather quick. On the other hand, the IFBB wants repeat winners because bodybuilding is a tiny sport. If a contestant wins one Sandow, he MIGHT be in the news the next morning. But if the contestant is competing for his third Sandow, there will be months of speculation; will he get the threepeat?? The winners promote the sport, and a great winner needs many titles.  

He has no weak spots on his physique. Capped delts. Symmetrical abs. 3D chest. Best back in the game. His Y taper.  His forearms have forearms.  Muscle bellies are full. The only part people can complain about is a possible bubble gut, but if he has one, he holds it in well (most of the time). Also, the next three physiques that come close to his also have a bubble gut. None of these guys can pull off a great vacuum, but they are mass monsters, and Phil is almost always the best of them all.

The only competitor who has come close, Kai Greene, once fucked a grapefruit. He used to to pay for his bodybuilding career by doing G4P videos, the most controversial one being with a grapefruit. Most sane, rational people would say that what’s done is done and Kai should only be judged on what he brings to the stage. But as I’ve said, bodybuilding is a tiny sport, and if the champion was a man who had been caught on video copulating with citrus fruits, the drama would cast a shadow over the entire competition. Politics, bro. 

I’m pulling for old man Dex next year, but realistically, Phil will keep on winning until he retires or decides to go full-on off season Lee Priest. 

Why People Hate Vegan Gains

Richard Burgess, AKA Vegan Gains, is a vegan/fitness YouTuber who is best known for his "Worst of the Fitness Industry" series. He's amassed a massive subscriber base of over 200,000 people in under 2 years who love him and hate him (based off that like/dislike ratio). He moved to Belgium to be with his girlfriend that many say looks like Harry Potter, but recently announced that he is moving back to Toronto.

Richard is vegan. People irrationally hate vegans. They see them as weak, inferior, and stuck-up. Men see it as emasculating. It doesn't make much sense, but it's true. Why else would there be dozens of buzzfeed-type articles on the subject? Even if Richard was an angel, some people would hate him because he's vegan.

Richard is an aggressive vegan. This is more rational. I don't like aggressive people. He's the kind of vegan that stalks people and accuses them of torturing animals. And he does it with friends! It's uncomfortable. It's awkward. Nobody likes that shit.

Richard shits on people's heroes. Richard's most popular series is titled "Worst of the Fitness Industry". He has countless videos tearing apart fake nattys and all of their training and dietary advice. And then he recommends they go vegan.

Richard wanted to film his grandfather's death for a YouTube video. For a lot of people, this was the last straw. Richard's grandfather had a heart attack after a life of terrible food choices and little exercise. Richard wanted to film it to show people the consequences of not being vegan. The internet went crazy and almost universally condemned him. People said he was trying to profit from his grandfather's death, and then they profited from his misfortune by making videos about it.

Richard has blamed complex diseases solely on meat consumption. He's made multiple videos blaming popular YouTuber Furious Pete's cancer on meat consumption. To the immense outrage of Pete's fans. In reality, there are infinite causes to cancer and Richard can't possible predict the cause of Pete's cancer without any kind of formal medical training.

That all being said, I'm a subscriber cause I like the roasts. This shit, however, is not what I signed up for.